If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
