Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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