dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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