Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
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