Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
