did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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