Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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