I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
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