I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
