I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
