My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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