and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
