Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
