Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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