If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
