I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
