life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
