the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
