Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
