This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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