Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
