I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
