Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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