Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
should my penis look like a turkey
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
