I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
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Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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