fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
