All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
