I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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