I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
