the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
as a side note pls kill me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
