Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
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two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
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Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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