I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
