Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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