Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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