Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
