I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
