well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
