I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
