Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
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I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
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Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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