I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
