There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
false alarm, still single
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
