we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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