This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
