pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
