Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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