suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
