i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
