We're facebook friends in real life
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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