i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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