I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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