The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
