My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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