literally had 100 drinks last night.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
