All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
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I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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